A taxonomic study of the species Homo sapiens oilerensis, observed in their natural habitat across northern Alberta and the darker corners of the internet.
The Delusional Optimist
Identifiable by their inability to process negative information and their near-pathological commitment to the phrase "this is our year."
The Delusional Optimist has been saying this is our year since 2017, with a brief interruption in 2018 when the team missed the playoffs by a significant margin, and even they had to take a week off from believing. By 2022, they were back at full strength, louder than ever, operating on the reasonable evidence of a Conference Final appearance that they chose to interpret as proof that the window was open rather than as evidence that it had a very specific and frustrating size limit.
They are the first person to text after a win in October and completely unreachable after a loss in May.
The Delusional Optimist does not process elimination. They metabolize it. Within 48 hours of a series-ending loss they have already identified the two free agents who fix the problem, drawn up a mock trade that makes complete sense to them and nobody else, and posted a seventeen-point breakdown of why next year is different, which it won't be, but you have to respect the commitment.
Core belief: McDavid hasn't even peaked yet.
The Guy Who Predicted This
He knew. He always knows. He knew before Game 1, before the series, before the season, and if you give him enough time he will trace the loss back to a specific draft pick in 2019 that nobody else remembers and explain exactly how it connects to the zone exit breakdown in Game 5 that you are only now understanding was inevitable.
The Guy Who Predicted This does not gloat, exactly. Gloating would require emotion, and he has replaced emotion with a spreadsheet. He speaks in Corsi percentages and expected goals and shot attempt differentials, and when you try to argue with him using your eyes he will explain patiently that what your eyes are doing is called narrative bias and you should probably read more.
He was right about Nurse three years before anyone else admitted it publicly. He was right about the goaltending situation before training camp. He was right about the power play personnel before the coach figured it out in February. None of this has made him happy. Being right, for him, is not a source of joy but a confirmation of a worldview that is exhausting to maintain.
He does not celebrate wins. He identifies the underlying numbers that suggest the wins are not sustainable.
Core belief: The process was broken before puck drop.
The One Who Only Watches the Playoffs
Resurfaces annually around mid-April wearing an Oilers jersey that still has the crease marks from the box, full of opinions about players they cannot name and a confidence about the team's chances that only ignorance can fully sustain.
They watched the last ten minutes of Game 3 and are now an expert on momentum. They saw a highlight of McDavid and have decided this is definitely the year, a position that puts them in direct philosophical alignment with the Delusional Optimist despite arriving there through a completely different and significantly less informed route.
The One Who Only Watches the Playoffs does not know who Stuart Skinner is but has very strong feelings about whether he should start. They cannot name the third pairing defenceman but are confident the defence is the problem. They remember 2006 with the clarity of someone who was twelve years old during 2006 and have been dining out on it for two decades.
They disappear within 24 hours of elimination and will not be seen again until next April, at which point they will arrive with the same jersey and the same confidence and no memory of having been here before.
Core belief: How hard can it be.
The One Who Has Seen Too Much
Has been watching since before McDavid. Has been watching since before the rebuild. Has faint memories of a time when this franchise won things, and those memories have curdled slowly over the course of nineteen years into something that is no longer quite hope and not yet acceptance but exists in the uncomfortable space between them.
They do not scream at the television. They have graduated past screaming. They watch with a stillness that newcomers mistake for calm and veterans recognize as a man who has made his peace with outcomes he cannot control, mostly.
They know every player's contract. They know every draft pick the team has traded away. They can tell you exactly when things went wrong in 2017 and 2019 and 2022 and 2023 and they do not need to check a box score to do it because the box scores are inside them now, load-bearing walls of a personality built entirely around a hockey team that has not won a championship since before some of their children were born.
They still watch every game. All 82 of them. They tell themselves every September that this year they'll be more detached about it.
They are never more detached about it.
Core belief: I should probably pick up a hobby.
The Recent Convert
Became an Oilers fan in 2024 during the playoff run and has since developed opinions with the confidence of someone who has been doing this their whole life, which they have not.
They love McDavid. They love Draisaitl. They have a preferred fourth-line centre and a strong take on zone coverage and an Oilers hat that is not yet faded from the sun. They are enthusiastic in a way the longer-tenured fans find both endearing and slightly threatening, the way you feel watching someone fall in love with something you know is going to hurt them.
They have not yet experienced a first-round exit they didn't see coming. That's still ahead of them. Everyone in the other categories is quietly waiting for it, not out of cruelty but out of the shared understanding that you are not truly an Oilers fan until the team has broken your heart in a way that rearranges something permanent.
It's coming. We won't warn them. It's not our place.
Core belief: This fanbase is so negative, honestly.
Bookmark The Hockey News Edmonton Oilers team site to never miss the latest news, game-day coverage, and more. Add us to your Google News favourites, and never miss a story.
